wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
