mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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