That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
