no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
