i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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