Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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