Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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