meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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