How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
