I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
