i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
