so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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