When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
this just has baby written all over it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
