remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
