Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
