I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
