i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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