i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
