I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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