I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
