At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
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