apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
