Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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