You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
