Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
