I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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