chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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