if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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