Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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