I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
