she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You left your phone here
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