Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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