Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
