I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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