You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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