So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
