my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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