yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
