Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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