You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
