Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
