you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
