i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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