bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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