I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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