Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
