just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
