Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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