I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
