nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
