he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
